Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.