If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Oh boy, $150,000!
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.