I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can