🤣dope
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Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Wait for it
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great