Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”