The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta