I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked