If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”