When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
You Might Also Like
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!