Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Barbie gone wild
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad