Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
So that’s what we looked like?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.