I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
You Might Also Like
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Money is the root of all wealth
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.