Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important