When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.