Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.