When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Cats are still liquid.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance