Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
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A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
True.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?