[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.