I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
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Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic