Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
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Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
when nothing goes right… go left
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee