Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
He’s cranky this morning
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.