Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
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If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
me the second it drops below 70 degrees