People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*