Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.