chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)