[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
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History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I am all good here, 😂😉
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.