my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
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