It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
You Might Also Like
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
At least try to make it slightly believable
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that