Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
BaD BoY!!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
A short story of betrayal:
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
just make the entire table out of coaster
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Wish the trash would take me out for once.