using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
B
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
He wanted to make sure😂
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.