Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
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I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
At least try to make it slightly believable
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun