“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Money is the root of all wealth
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.