When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
The two types of wives
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”