My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?