The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
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COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My dating profile:
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.