I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Thank you corporation very cool
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
how do y’all walk in shallow water
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“How’s your day going?”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!