my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase