yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”