Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
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Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*