Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Facebook marketplace is a different world
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”