They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
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My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
relationship goals