Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.