Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.