I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.