*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own