Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.