Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.