*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Spotted in New Orleans.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
fired
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.