[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Banking tips
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.