Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
You Might Also Like
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
This took me a second..
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
LOOOOOOL
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.